warp speed

...everything is going in warp speed. Time, precious time is spinning around me. Just yesterday, I swear it was just yesterday, Alexa couldn't crawl...and now she's taking 8, 9 steps at a time. She refuses to eat baby food because we keep feeding her what we eat. And I swear the other day, I couldn't get her to stop eating. She changes so fast. I've been too busy to notice her. I've been too busy to notice Sam. Work...work...work, that's all I think about all day, all night. The only thing that stops me from thinking that is baldur's gate and grey's anatomy. It's like my drug. But now I beat the game (twice) and I'm on season 3 of grey's anatomy. I'm averaging 4 episodes a night (late, late at night) so in just a few days, I'll be done with that too. What then? WHAT DO I DO THEN? I'm suppose to take that time and spend it with my girls right?

I've never been the cuddly, PTA soccer mom. I don't try to be. But I want to be. I want to be that mom that doesn't care about her career, that mom that hangs out with the other moms and sees all the same moms at dance, and soccer, and softball. But I'm not. Every single time I try, I fail miserably. All I know is me. I'm not loving. Everyone who knows me can tell you I'm super military with my kids. I don't baby them unless they really are a baby (24 months and younger). I care more about what Sam's test scores are and if her room is clean than what her and her friends joked about at recess today. And no matter how much I want to be that mom I can't. We all show love differently. And I love my kids, I love them so much. But I'm not mushy, at least with my kids, I not.

So this brings us back to time. The warp speed time that I was talking about. This Sat. is my 32nd birthday. I'm turning thirty-two, and the only thing that I've learned about myself is that the harder I try not to become my mother, I'm turning into her. She's judgmental, she talks over people, she gets angry at the people she misses, and she's not loving. Not even a little bit. She's not a bad person. I'm in no way saying that my mom is a bad person. She's just emotionless, especially with me. Mothers and daughters, daughters and their mothers...so complicated. Today I yelled at Alexa for refusing to eat. She hits the spoon with all the baby food in it. She throws a tantrum. She kicks and screams. And all I can think about is that I can't hear what Dr.Burk said to Christina. What the heck is my problem? What kind of mother am I?
And Sam...she's such a good kid. She always comes and asks me if I need help. But most of the time I'm so busy that I don't want her to "bother" me. I was cleaning the other day, and even though I know that Sam's shoe size is 5.5, this time it really hit me. SAM'S SHOE SIZE IS HALF A SHOE SIZE SMALLER THAN MINE! What happened to my little girl? She's big and knows the songs on the radio better than me. She cooks rice without me asking her. She has a really good singing voice. I secretly pay attention to her sing in the shower, but I won't put her in voice lessons because it's way too expensive. So I don't compliment her. Another one of my mother's wonderful traits.

Alexa is starting to look like Sam...just a little bit. They smile the same. It's 1:00am in the morning, and I miss them. I work from home and I see them everyday and I miss them. I'm turning 32. I was 12 when my mom was 32. We lived in West Covina and my mom worked 2 jobs. I stayed in the house by myself until my parents got home from work at around 6pm. Our house was never dirty. I never ran out of clothes. The dishes was always washed and put away before anyone went to sleep. I remember a whole lot of things when I was 12. And I know Sam will too. But I don't ever remember my mom being loving or caring.
There was an episode where Dr. Bailey was saying that mothers do the best they know how to do. And I disagree. I am definitely not doing ALL that I can do. Because if I was, I'd wake up at 7:30 in the morning and cook Sam a hot breakfast EVERY morning before she goes to school. And I'd take Alexa on a walk in the mornings, to get her out of the house. She loves being outside. And I'd get the laundry done so Sam doesn't have to wear her uniforms twice. And I'd make more of an effort to have dinner at the table every night, because I know Sam really loves it. It's time when the TV is off and we all talk.
See I worried a lot of my life about what people thought of me. Worried that I wasn't a good mother. Worried that people would judge me, talk about me. But now I know that I'm just human. I make mistakes. Now it's whether or not I do something about it, before time takes it away.